03 January 2013

fairly certain

when it comes to myths and legends, we are a little noncommittal. for instance our boys have never sat on santa's lap.there's something about sitting on a strange man's knee, telling him your secrets that creeps me out. 

and then there's the easter bunny.  again, weird. everyone knows a bunny can't carry baskets. but our boys do wake on easter morning to some candy in some kind of variation of a basket. so hypocritical. 

but the tooth fairy. well, we do have a very complicated history with the tooth fairy, but she is welcomed into our home and talked about like you do that infamous aunt of yours who may or may not be sporting a white jacket and off her meds. let me explain.

maybe it's because i had chronically bad teeth as a child. must've been from all that kool-aid drinking and candy eating i did. whatever the reason, i sported a mouth full of silver fillings until i was an adult. the tooth fairy was my only solace as a child-a reward for the remarkably bad luck i had with dental health. a trip to the dentist usually resulted in a nightly visit from said fairy of the teeth. it was my consolation. ill fate=reward. twisted, i know.

and to this day anything dentistry related makes me nervous{and paranoid. do you require your children to brush their teeth 6 times a day?!}. as do bossy, fast talking women. so it only makes sense to me that the tooth fairy is not the beautiful, winsome nymph whose wings are glittery and delicate. when i consider the tooth fairy, she's more like a chubby, stubby, ill tempered troll who may or may not drop a curse word here and there and is prone to drink-heavily, but can still be articulate.

yesterday our 3rd born found himself in the dentist chair having not one but two teeth removed. an inherited trait they received from their father-too many teeth is too small a space. he is the 3rd of our four boys to have teeth removed. the littlest is having teeth pulled tomorrow.

so last night we sat inspecting his recently pulled teeth with roots firmly in place. those little white enamels look like horns, and the 9 year old took to holding them up as such. a red badge of courage. i asked, "so are you going to put these teeth under your pillow?" he pondered the question. "nah. i want to keep them." and in our family the story goes if you want to keep your teeth, then the tooth fairy will pass you by taking her coins with her. unsatisfied with his answer, i pressed further, "really?! well, you know if you don't put your teeth under your pillow the tooth fairy WILL NOT{emphasis mine}leave you money." he assured me after 9 years, he clearly understood the dentin contract. i left his room incredulously, but hollered up the stairs, "you're going to tick off the tooth fairy." he loved that.

later when i was putting him to bed he wondered aloud, "well, i guess i could sell them. no wait. i would give them away for free, but charge for the box they came in. you know because it's such a mighty fine box. so yeah, the teeth are free, but you have to buy the box to get the teeth and the box is $25!" i assured him that the tooth fairy would not go for that, but he was too distracted with himself to hear me. "actually the box is now practically an antique since i've had for a day so i can definitely get $25 for my teeth." i sat in amazement at his seemingly iron clad ill-logic. the Mister asked him if he needed a job because he could use his sales tactics.

in the end, the 9 year old was put to bed with two teeth missing from his mouth and missing from beneath his pillow. his mouth healing from the earlier dental procedure bears a crooked smile that he affectionately acknowledged, "looks like a hippo". i am fairly certain the tooth fairy is penning a note to him that will read something like:

January 3, 2013
Dear Harrison M. Utley,

A notice came across my desk that you would not be participating in our teeth for cash swap. While I cannot fathom why you would wish to hang on to said teeth, I respect your wishes. But you must know that this will cost you so in lieu of taking your teeth, I took your cash.

T.Tooth Fairy

and perhaps when our boys mature into fathers, they will decide to do away with the tooth fairy after all.


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