19 December 2013

christmas time confessional

testing testing. is this thing on? so, yeah. it's been a while. and let me explain why. i've realized something about myself. well, actually i've realized a lot about myself when it comes to writing like 1) i'm forgetful 2) i'm distracted-like a dog around squirrels (i'm the dog in this metaphor/simile, the squirrels are played by my boys) 3) my life is not fabulous enough, and i don't dress myself or my children fabulously enough to write about, photograph it, have sponsors give away free stuff to make you swoon over it. basically, i am here to make you feel better about yourself. just friend me on facebook and you'll see. right, corine? 

so yesterday(like how i just launch you full throttle back into my life story), as i was serenading the boys(one of whom i did not give birth to)who were lucky to be in my car, with my version of "swing low, sweet chariot", it dawned on me. this is one of my favorite songs to sing maybe because i can actually hit the notes or what i perceive as the notes as i do not play or pretend to be a musician.

so as i was "swinging looooow", i began to think of christmas. and thinking of christmas made me realize many secrets. secrets that are so profound and dark and seedy-the only thing i knew to do was write them all down. so here you go. girl friday's christmas time confessional. and we're back in 3, 2, 1...

1. anyone donning an elf hat/santa stocking and who is otherwise NOT dressed in elf or santa costume, makes me twitchy aka nervous. like weird uncle saying, "come sit on 'santa's' knee and tell him (people speaking in second person about him or herself also make me crazy, but that's off topic) what you want for christmas." which brings me to number two.

2. my children, all four of them, have never sat on santa's knee and told him what they want for christmas. o, sure the 7 year old recently bumped into a chris kringle at a local restaurant in my home town. he took a candy cane. but i have never waited in a line to pay to have my kid sit on some strange man's knee and tell him why he should bring toys to my house at night whilst we are all sleeping. i love tradition, but people, i got a problem with this one. have you seen my neighborhood? that stuff really happens here. only he doesn't leave stuff-he takes stuff. i'm gonna keep santa back in the folklore with other oldies but goodies like st. valentine and all those other great stories. moving on...

3. i am so lazy and inconsistent, i can't always remember traditions that i intended to start with my boys-like giving them their own ornament for the tree so that when they are all growed up, they can take said ornaments (if we can all remember whose is who) to his new life(outside my house. feel the need to name it and claim it). but i have managed to keep the matching christmas jammies tradition alive and well for going on 3 years(maybe more, i can't remember stuff very well). and i plan to ride that train, milk that cow whatever you say, for as long as i can. look for an after christmas post displaying the boys in matching pjs. i can already see the disgust and blur as the 14 year old runs out of sight. but i will hope to catch a good one in front of the tree. which reminds me of christmas confessional number four.
last year's doozy. notice the tree. nobody has ever wondered if it's fake.

4. i blame my childs' asthma for not having a live/dead tree in our house. hey, let me explain. it all started innocent enough. we had live trees before kids. and then after we had kids, i could barely remember to water the kids. and all those pesky needles. yikes. we track in enough nature. why would i go looking for more, buy it and on purpose bring it into my house to drop things all over the place? okay, some people say that about animals. and i have two dogs. but a christmas tree can't lick your face after it drops stuff on the floor so there. and my kids did seem to always get sick right around christmas so there may be something to that whole live tree=asthma attack thing. this brings me to my fifth confession.

5. i loathe decorating for christmas. 

6. if you send me christmas LETTERS, they will go unread. who has time to read letters anymore when the superior way to communicate is in texting with hashtags? i spell out hashtag for those who may not know what it is. you see what i always thought was a number sign # has now been reclaimed(that's what they're doing these days reclaiming everything)and renamed hashtag. speaking of reclaiming.

7. i regift. you have been warned both as a gift giver and as a recipient. honey, that goes for you too so you better get me something good or it's going to beth for her birthday in february. 

8. i once tasted a fruit cake that was so divine, that i have never allowed my lips to enjoy another for fear that in tasting a true fruit cake, my opinion on all fruit cakes would be ruined. for life. much like that one night stand, i refuse to love again-when it comes to fruit cake.

9. my favorite christmas movie is not it's a wonderful life or elf or even die hard. my favorite christmas movie is about a boy, followed by you've got mail and bourne identity. if you need to ask why, you have never seen these movies so try harder. 

10. and last but not least i have been so looking for the christmas spirit or sprite to land in my heart. and i've been trying. from lighting our advent candles to reading our bible passages to attending both the nutcracker and having front row seats to watch a christmas carol. but y'all. i am at a loss. perhaps i will find it in an after christmas bin marked 80% off. then i can wrap it up and save it for next year. 
your christmas tree never was this cute. i mean, come on!

11. o, wait i knew i forgot one. this year's christmas card is the same one we sent out last year. hey, the boys haven't aged that much. it is also to be noted i am not pictured in said card as i can not say the same for me.

12. and speaking of me. i cannot tell the difference between egg nog and boiled custard. i made my first batch of egg nog this year. to be on the safe side, i added bourbon-to kill any possible bacteria. wowsa. word to the wise. a full bottle of bourbon goes a loooooong way. 

13. speaking of wasteful. gingerbread houses! what a waste of some really good candy.

okay. i'm done. but this confessing thing really makes me merry. how about for christmas we all become truth tellers, light bearers, goodwill bringers and glad tidings speakers?

cheers to you, dear ones. i sincerely love you and wish nothing but sweetness to welcome you and carry you throughout the coming year.
if i were to send out a representative photo for christmas, this would be it. pretty much sums it all up. 

yours so truly it may offend or sometimes even hurt,
xo gf