08 October 2012

celibacy has no place in marriage

i love this man who never know what the hell i am going to say next. this is for you, my darling.

i really have nothing more to add to the title of this post, but i suspect you want to know the inspiration so here goes. before we move on though you need to know this.

i write what i know. i write what i live. i give recipes for food not life.

i dabbled with intimacy before marriage both physical and emotional. had i thought that was the best sex and love could be, i would have chosen a habit-the nun variety. 

this post is written to the friend whose youthful indiscretion robbed her of a healthy relationship with her husband. this is for the newlywed who thought that marital boredom is inevitable-a shoe in for longevity in marriage. this is for the girl who longs to be known by her husband. i am all of those girls. 

now shall we move on to address these proverbial elephants in the room? shame and guilt. those are words that i know well. they were my traveling companions for many years. fortunately, when i met my husband, he tenderly unloaded them for me. 

the first night we acknowledged our love for one another, i flung my arms up in confession to this man who confided that he wanted me for his one and only for the rest of his life. once i felt loved and accepted there was an inevitable moment when we felt like there was no turning back in our hearts so we needed to come clean with one another. and we did. and it was gruesome. and it was glorious. shame and guilt were called up. and then they were tossed out. i have never looked back at them. they do not name me or write my story. and for that i am deeply grateful. unworthiness is a different story though. that is something that haunts me daily, and i must breath through most days to get through the weightiness of that one.

my beloved and i have shared the same last name for 17 plus years. and i have to tell you, our delight in one another has never been sweeter. part of what makes sex so great is trust, familiarity, nuance and relationship with a great deal of grace and humor thrown in for good measure. we have bought a big box of junior mint movie lies when we believe otherwise.

here's the thing, we have shared a lot of beds, my mister and me: the marriage bed, the sick bed, the baby bed. things have not always gone well. we have not always gone to bed together or on good terms. we have waned in our purpose and pursuit of one another. but he has remained faithful to me and i to him in every sense of the word. and that is a gift.

my point in writing this incredibly personal piece is because like with anything, i deeply desire truth to prevail. happily ever afters and the good guy wins. but we are living in times when sometimes it looks like evil is winning. i have walked with friends who are not living the same story they did when they spoke their marriage vows. shame and guilt have won out in their marriage. the divorce rate makes marriage seem obsolete. and chosen singleness seems somewhat compelling or inevitable with all this shame and guilt hanging around. "who will want to marry me once they find out what i have done?" let me tell you. that is a lie from hell. i know because i believed it. and i met a mortal man who had the same thought.

but guess what? those premarital indiscretions were not insurmountable. we have managed to find post marital ways to screw up. fortunately for us we are in for the long haul. through thick and thin. in sickness and in health. til death do us part. and until that day comes we plan to have a lot of great, happy sex. so take that, divorce rate!

and on that note, i'll leave you with a catchy line a lovely pastor of mine always said, "sex is like pizza. when it's good, it's really good. and when it's bad, it's still pretty good." and that is one for the cross stitch pillow.

yours ever so truly,

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