When I was pregnant with my first child a friend told me something that changed my life. She said, "Growing up, I always knew my mother enjoyed me." I have savored that word enjoy for going on 13 years now. I have rolled it around in my mouth like a delicious piece of chocolate. At times I have ignored it. On occasion (more times than I wish to admit) I have considered the word with contempt. But for the most part it has become the trajectory of the way I live as a mother.
Deciding to forgo a career away from home in order to raise my children was one that came to me almost like deciding to drive to a familiar place not knowing how I got there. It just happened. The road to motherhood has been full of many twists and turns, peaks and valleys, moments of euphoric delight and instances of fury that rival Joan Crawford and those infamous wire hangers.
I cannot imagine my life without these souls who are my children. Our relationship is tender, but complicated. They were made to be relentless in their needs. I was made to be selfish in mine. And here we are put together to spend our hours, all 24 of them, til they find a path that takes them out my front door, down the lane and into a world that does not include me. So for today, I will muster all my motherly might to Enjoy my beloved boys who I desperately love, but who make me desperately aware of my own depravity.