Pangs

i have been sitting with this one for a while. it goes out to my young friends and to some of my old friends. you are God's guiding light to me.

okay, here goes...

i did not experience natural childbirth with any of my babies. it evaded me all 4 times. the result was 4 healthy babies born via caesaren section. but i like to think that even though i never had a midwife coach me through the most physically painful and triumphant times in my life, i have been coached in my life by friends and the like who have held my hand and cheered me into a sense of my own self's rebirth. we'll call her Epiphany.

now let me stop so that you can digest the last part. read it again. stop reading. unfriend me from facebook. take my number out of your phone. or if you like, continue reading.

it is true. at the age of 41 i finally have a better understanding of myself. i feel reborn. i feel understood. not by others. but by myself. 

for the past 30 something years, as long as i have had a conscious sense of self, i have fought for a desire to be understood by everyone except myself. 

i flirted with the notion that there was an inner friendship that needed to be nudged. i mean, i kind of spend most of my time with myself be it in the company of others or alone. but for whatever reason i never indulged in time to know who i was until recently. 

fighting and clawing it has been an arduous, emotional, painful battle much like the stories i hear from friends who feel the quickening of labor associated with childbirth. the pain becomes almost insurmountable. you look around and wish for an easy way out, but you know that in the end it's just you and your body. fighting to the death to bring forth life. and that life is glorious and beautiful and worth it. then you look on your offspring with love that washes over you. and you forget the pain. and you judge, "it was worth it."

that is very much like the journey to true self discovery. or at least my experience. it has been hard. but like those who have set their mind on birthing a bundle of joy, so did i. and i dug in for the long haul.

along the way, the graciousness of my Creator sent midwives of sort. friends who have walked with me. some literally hand in hand. others figuratively so. looking into my eyes. steadying my gaze as i want to look away and distract myself with anything, but truth. they have sat with me and questioned and listened and challenged and laughed and cried and fought me. o, good glorious Lord. i do have a team of ministering friends. sweet jesus, thank you for them all. many do not know how they have coaxed me along.

i recently emerged a changed soul of sorts. over the course of a few weeks i have had a time of soul searching reflection. some significant training and counseling. and i am deeply, DEEPLY, that soul-abiding-like-a-lasting-hug-that-doesn't-break-away-after-an-awkward-length-of-time grateful. o, dear me. that is the way i feel resting in this moment. 

my path to epiphany will be explored and digested and likely shared with you later because i feel like i am not the only one who is not living the best life i could be. and if i have anything to share that might be helpful to any of my friends, i will give it up with open hands and open heart.  but for right now i am keeping it close to the chest until i have the words to rightly write what best articulates that almost inarticulate-able cognizance.

the good thing about growth is that while it takes root, it also takes upkeep{and pruning}to make it continue so while i would like to think that i have achieved the end {of the pain}, i suspect it's only the beginning. stay tuned. until then...

xo,

gf